Thinking Abount my Little Ones...

I have a couple of friends going through a tough time trying to start a family and seeing their trouble got me thinking about my little "darlings"....

As most people know I had a really hard time getting pregnant; we tried for a couple of years -- both on our own and with fertility treatment -- all to no avail. I remember those years vividly! Man were they tough -- not only physically but really tough emotionally. I remember just crying and crying every time the test can back negative, I remember not feeling adequate enough, and my self esteem was shoot!! I mean women are born to carry children and give birth, so what was wrong with me -- why can't I have a child. I remember feeling like Heavenly Father was punishing me and my heart hurt ALL the time! Now mind you I rarely shared my feelings with anyone and when anyone asked I when we were having kids I would just smile and say that we were too busy working or that we weren't ready yet... not many people new the pain behind those questions!! I remember praying and praying and crying and begging Heavenly Father -- just to be disappointed the next month. I'm sure this time was difficult for Jesse too, but I think it probably hit me a little harder! Now in the grand scheme of things a couple of years isn't that long -- but when your in the thick of it it seems like and eternity!

Eventually the money for the fertility treatments ran out and I had to come to terms with never having children -- as this is what many doctors told me -- I must say coming to terms with this was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I felt like I was a failure at being a women! Looking back on that time I probably should have been on an antidepressant!!

Then it happened -- I remember the day very vividly! It was 4th of July 2003 and we were preparing for a cook out at our apartment in Barrington. It was a very hot day, high 90's and very humid and we had no A/C in the house. I was in the kitchen making a salad and I got very light headed and felt like I was going to pass out -- I attributed it to the heat. So we went on with the day and I spent the day sitting in the kiddie pool trying to stay cool. Jesse had to work the overnight shift that night so when everyone left Jesse went to work and I went to bed. It popped into my head throughout the day that maybe I was pregnant, but I wouldn't let myself believe that it could actually happen -- after all every time I got my hopes up in the past I would just get crushed! So I had 1 pregnancy test left in the house -- for the stockpile that I had during all the fertility stuff -- I tossed and turned all night debating whether I was going to use it or not. At about 2 in the morning I got us and just took the test. Instantly the 2 lines appeared!! I just sat there in the bathroom in shock -- could it really be positive, had all of my prayers finally been answered, was I dreaming!! I jumped up to call Jesse at work and as the phone was ringing, Jesse walked into the house! He said that something told him to come home -- so I ran to him and thrust the test in his face.... once he realized what it was we both stood there crying. It was great!! The following March we welcomed our little man into the world.....

I know he is older here -- we didn't have a digital camera when he was born....

Little did I know when I had Aidan, that Heavenly Father was opening the flood gates for our family! Three short months after having Aidan we found out I was pregnant again and Cora joined the family in March 2005. Yes, Aidan and Cora are exactly 12 Months and 5 Days apart...

At least Aidan and Cora were a little bit older when in May 2005 we found out the we were expecting again, and in January 2007 Haylee came into our lives --

Sometimes I joke that we prayed to hard and that is why we had 3 children in 4 years -- but in my heart of hearts I know that all of the trouble and problems that I had trying to get pregnant made me stronger and made me a better person so that I could be a better Mom! I also know that Heavenly Father knows what is best for us and that he does answer ALL of our prayers -- sometimes just in the time frame that He feels is best for us and not when we WANT the answers!