Good News Day!

I have been a little panicky lately as I get closer to starting the nursing program in the fall -- not because the program starts soon, but because the program is costing me a fortune!! Let's see some of the bills I have already paid --

Uniforms (for 2) $175.00

Physical $352.00

Lab Work/Shots $775.00

Sneakers $48.98

Blood Pressure Cuff $50.00

Shade Shirts $48.00

I haven't even received my tuition bill yet and we have been told that books will exceed $800!! YIKES!!!

Well in the mail today I received a letter from NECC stating that I am the recipient of the NECC Leadership Development Scholarship for $500 and the NECC Leaders of Today and Tomorrow for $250. So I was very excited about that! But wait, it gets better.....

A few minutes later I logged into my e-mail and I had an e-mail from the Coca-Cola Scholars Foundation that informed me that I have been awarded their Volunteerism Scholarship for $1000!!!! YEAH!!! These scholarships will cover almost all of my tuition and hopefully the grants I applied for will cover my books!! What an incredible blessing!! It has been a good day!

I've had it, I'm done!

On days like today I wonder why it is I ever had children? Why did I work for so long and pray so hard for children? Why?

I know that my children have "special needs" but I am tired of it. I am tired of the fighting, I am tired of the screaming, I am tired of the throwing, I am tired of things constantly being broken, I am tired of feeling like I am talking to a wall, I am just tired!! It is one of those days where I just want to sit in a corner and cry!!

The fact that they are out of school and they don't have that strict academic schedule, and they don't have their behavioral specialists and their occupational/physical therapist doesn't help the situation. I would love to be able to just bring the kids outside to play -- but I can't because they all go in different directions and I can't keep tabs on them all and it is way to dangerous in our neighborhood! I have used ALL of my things in my little bag of tricks and they don't go back to school for another week!!

So this is what faced me when I tried to put the kids to bed today.....yes it is a broken window! It is the window that is right above Cora's bed. I mean really, was it really necessary for them to break the window? Then I tried to tape it up (you can kind of see it) to make it safer since I have no idea how I am going to fix it, and they pulled the tape off!!! I am so frustrated!

I don't know how much I have left in me to keep dealing with this crap!! I'm tired, I have had enough -- and of course things like this always happen when Jesse is at work -- not that having him here would really change anything since he sleeps most of the time know and I still have to deal with the kids.

Does every mom have these days? Does it pass? Is it just a bad day?

Patience Has Run OUT!!

I usually consider myself to be a patient person -- when it comes to the kids that is. But they have been out of school for a total of 5 days now and they are DRIVING ME CRAZY!!

Why is it that they need to throw every toys they own down the stairs, while dressed in six layers of clothes (none of which are the clothes I dressed them in in the morning), while screaming like a band of wild animals? Why is it that it is necessary to find a full bottle of baby powder (that was on the top shelf of the hall closet) and pour it all over the bathroom so that when I walk into the bathroom I inhale a cloud of powder and then proceed to slipp on the powder on the floor and fall? Why is it that they feel it is necessary to pull the sheets off of all of the beds and draw on the mattresses? Why is it necessary to argue and hit one another non-stop? Oh, did I mention that this is all from this morning?

Usually I am patient and can handle what ever they throw at me, but this morning I felt like just assuming the fetal position and crying myself to sleep!! Thank goodness I had to work today and I have class tonight!!

My only fear is -- what do they have planned for the rest of the week and a half to school starts again!!!!!

Father's Day

There are two men in my life that have the honor of celebrating father's day -- Jesse (my husband) and Gary (my dad).

I'll start with my Dad -- I know that almost everyone thinks their father is the greatest, but mine really is! To start with he was able to put up with Sandy (my biological mother) -- this alone deserves a medal! Second, I don't remember him ever saying anything negative about anyone in front of me as I was growing up. Third, when I moved in as a very independent teenager, he gave me the freedom to rediscover who I was and he supported me in making me a better person. Fourth, I can probably count the number of times I heard him yell on one hand. I love my dad very much and in many ways I credit him with literally saving my life and rescuing me at a time when I needed rescuing! I could go on and on, but most of all, my dad is an incredible example to me! He is strong, compassionate, a worthy Priesthood holder, kind, loving, funny, a hard worker, generous, caring, as well as to many other superlatives to list!

Jesse is an incredible father. He would do and does anything for his kids! He works hard to give us the things we need in life, and he is not shy about getting down on the floor and playing with the kids. He has little routines that he does with each of the kids so that each one knows that he loves them individually. I know that as the kids get older they will say that he is the best dad in the world, and though I think he is a great dad -- I will always argue that my dad is the best!!

On a side note....

We were celebrating Father's Day at our house this evening and came time for dessert, we were having ice cream, my conversation with Aidan went as follows --

"Aidan do you want dessert?'

"Uh huh."

"Do you want some ice cream?"

"Yeah ice cream!" (at this point he did a little dance around the room)

"What kind of ice cream do you want?"

"Cold kind"

Well I guess I can't blame him, who wants warm ice cream!!

He Did It, My Baby Brother Did It!!!

He did it, he really did it!! Danny graduated from high school today! I am so proud of him! I can't believe my baby brother has graduated, I feel really old! For many people their sibling graduating is no big deal, but Danny and I are 12 years apart in age -- so him graduating makes me feel old!!!

But this has not been an easy road for Dan.... He has battled more than I can even imagine! Things have never come easy for Dan and he has really had to overcome some major obstacles -- but with much prodding, pushing, and love from my parents he has accomplished a big goal in life and NO ONE can take that away from him.

I can't say that there wasn't a tear in my eye when I watched him walk across that stage and get his diploma, Danny and I haven't always had a close bond (we are working on that and have gotten closer over the past few years) but even so I am incredible proud of him and his marking this milestone!

When we got home after graduation I gave him a big hug and congratulated him and at that moment we were both thinking the same thing -- "the only thing that would make this better if were Rick were here." But in my heart I know that he is thinking of Dan today. He is with us in our hearts and I know that he is diligently serving the Lord in Vegas.

Way to go Dan, I am so proud of you and all of the struggles that you have faced have only made you stronger! I love you!

Thinking Abount my Little Ones...

I have a couple of friends going through a tough time trying to start a family and seeing their trouble got me thinking about my little "darlings"....

As most people know I had a really hard time getting pregnant; we tried for a couple of years -- both on our own and with fertility treatment -- all to no avail. I remember those years vividly! Man were they tough -- not only physically but really tough emotionally. I remember just crying and crying every time the test can back negative, I remember not feeling adequate enough, and my self esteem was shoot!! I mean women are born to carry children and give birth, so what was wrong with me -- why can't I have a child. I remember feeling like Heavenly Father was punishing me and my heart hurt ALL the time! Now mind you I rarely shared my feelings with anyone and when anyone asked I when we were having kids I would just smile and say that we were too busy working or that we weren't ready yet... not many people new the pain behind those questions!! I remember praying and praying and crying and begging Heavenly Father -- just to be disappointed the next month. I'm sure this time was difficult for Jesse too, but I think it probably hit me a little harder! Now in the grand scheme of things a couple of years isn't that long -- but when your in the thick of it it seems like and eternity!

Eventually the money for the fertility treatments ran out and I had to come to terms with never having children -- as this is what many doctors told me -- I must say coming to terms with this was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I felt like I was a failure at being a women! Looking back on that time I probably should have been on an antidepressant!!

Then it happened -- I remember the day very vividly! It was 4th of July 2003 and we were preparing for a cook out at our apartment in Barrington. It was a very hot day, high 90's and very humid and we had no A/C in the house. I was in the kitchen making a salad and I got very light headed and felt like I was going to pass out -- I attributed it to the heat. So we went on with the day and I spent the day sitting in the kiddie pool trying to stay cool. Jesse had to work the overnight shift that night so when everyone left Jesse went to work and I went to bed. It popped into my head throughout the day that maybe I was pregnant, but I wouldn't let myself believe that it could actually happen -- after all every time I got my hopes up in the past I would just get crushed! So I had 1 pregnancy test left in the house -- for the stockpile that I had during all the fertility stuff -- I tossed and turned all night debating whether I was going to use it or not. At about 2 in the morning I got us and just took the test. Instantly the 2 lines appeared!! I just sat there in the bathroom in shock -- could it really be positive, had all of my prayers finally been answered, was I dreaming!! I jumped up to call Jesse at work and as the phone was ringing, Jesse walked into the house! He said that something told him to come home -- so I ran to him and thrust the test in his face.... once he realized what it was we both stood there crying. It was great!! The following March we welcomed our little man into the world.....

I know he is older here -- we didn't have a digital camera when he was born....

Little did I know when I had Aidan, that Heavenly Father was opening the flood gates for our family! Three short months after having Aidan we found out I was pregnant again and Cora joined the family in March 2005. Yes, Aidan and Cora are exactly 12 Months and 5 Days apart...

At least Aidan and Cora were a little bit older when in May 2005 we found out the we were expecting again, and in January 2007 Haylee came into our lives --

Sometimes I joke that we prayed to hard and that is why we had 3 children in 4 years -- but in my heart of hearts I know that all of the trouble and problems that I had trying to get pregnant made me stronger and made me a better person so that I could be a better Mom! I also know that Heavenly Father knows what is best for us and that he does answer ALL of our prayers -- sometimes just in the time frame that He feels is best for us and not when we WANT the answers!